Angel on My Shoulder

There are two little guys who sit on my shoulders. Individually they both speak and vie for my attention. One is quite cherubic and speaks words of affirmation and support. The other is equally forceful, but the words are words of failure and disappointment. They are both forces to be reckoned with. My susceptibility to the influence of these two voices has a profound impact on how see myself and live my life.

For example, one of the voices insidiously whispers “you are worthless and no good, society would be better off without you.” When that voice controls my thoughts, I function as though I am worthless and no good. To the extent that voice controls my thoughts I act accordingly. Regardless of personal achievement and positive reinforcement, the voice whispers in my ear, “You’re a phony, an imposter. You’re not worthy of praise or affirmation.” This too often is my go-to response.

This response dictates how I act and respond to affirmation and criticism. It can easily become the controlling dynamic in my life. For example, I spill a cup of coffee. My response is “Way to go stupid!” Spilling coffee does not make one stupid. That is the demonic voice whispering in my ear, “you’re really worthless!”

These responses have been learned over the course of a lifetime and will not easily be reprogrammed. Much like the demons described in the New Testament, they take control of our lives and bodies. The more we listen, the more convinced we become of our lack of value.

Imposter Syndrome

Imposter syndrome is the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.

From the age of sixteen I felt called to pastoral ministry. To graduate from seminary was a life goal. When I accomplished that goal, I knew that I would have the sense of self- worth that was missing. Not so much. Even with the degree in hand and an ordination certificate on the wall, the voice assured me that I was still not worthy. I’m just faking it.

“I know,” I thought, “I’ll get a doctorate, that will make me a valuable person.” Guess what? That didn’t make a difference. The voice still whispered, “you are less than.” “Ah, I’ve got it now. A Ph.D. That’ll do the trick.

By now, you have figured out the pattern. It isn’t about academic success or titles. It is about programming. I function, maybe you do as well, according to the voice on my shoulder assuring me that I am just not worthy.

My grandfather took his own life. I never knew him, but I carry his name. When the voices are at their loudest and most caustic, I wonder. . .

I am NOT a danger to myself or others. Not in the physical sense. But in the psychological sense of self-worth, if I listen to the demonic voice, I am a danger to myself. The self-loathing is self-defeating. As long as I live in a world where I declare myself “unworthy” I am less than what God created and called me to be.

That in academic parlance is the Statement of the Problem. The solution is not so easily arrived at. I could quote scripture and assure you that you are God’s beloved child, but my assurances of God’s unconditional love are meaningless as long as the demon on your shoulder continues to spit lies into your psyche. If we continue to accept the lies as truth we are condemned to live as “less than” what God intends.

There is the possibility of another voice. In contrast to the voice of the demonic, the angel on my shoulder speaks words of possibility and assurance.  These are words not only of comfort, but words of affirmation. The “Imago Dei” (image of God from Genesis 1:27), assures each of us that there is a representational connection between God and human beings. This does not indicate a physical resemblance, but rather the intrinsic possibility of living life in such a manner that God is represented by our existence in the physical world.

It is a daunting challenge. It is also the only road to self-assurance and an understanding that we are worthwhile in the eyes of our creator. If God trusts human beings to mirror God’s image in a fallen world that indicates that God believes in each of us. The demonic voice says, “you’re worthless.” The heavenly voice says, “You represent me. You cannot be worthless!”

Consider the people with whom Jesus surrounded himself. They were not highly educated and not always very perceptive. They frequently misunderstood Jesus. At the precise moment Jesus needed them to pray, they fell asleep (Matthew 26:40-41). They argued over who would be the greatest in the Kingdom (Mark 9:33-37). When Jesus was arrested they ran away like frightened rabbits (Matthew 26:56; Mark 14:50).

Yet when it came time to return to the Father, it was precisely to this ragtag group of self-doubters that Jesus entrusted the message of the kingdom.

“You will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8 emphasis added).

Warts and all, these were the people Jesus chose to carry his message to the entire world. Jesus saw in them a worth that the world was not able to discern. In fact, it may be argued that they did not understand their own worth. Our worth is an intrinsic gift from God. It cannot be earned or achieved on our own merit. God through creation grants us worth.

Comparisons

One of the tactics used by the demonic voice is that of comparison. I enjoy music, but I am not musically gifted. Yeah, I can carry a tune, but that’s about it. The voice of the demonic insists that I compare myself to individuals who have outstanding musical abilities. In that comparison, I am doomed always to fail and come away feeling “less than.”

Comparisons often, leave us feeling like failures. I was a pastor for forty-one years. Comparisons to other pastors only served to reinforce the attitude that I am not as good, gifted, or talented as the pastor of a mega church. “What’s wrong with me?” I complain, “why is she so successful and I’m such a loser?”

The career choice is not the point. The point is that there will always be persons who are gifted in ways other than we ourselves. Comparisons only serve to make us feel like we just don’t measure up. The voice of the angel reminds us that we are not required to measure up to another’s standards or achievements.

It’s too easy and trite to simply say, “Don’t listen.” What I have learned is rather than compare, it is much healthier to praise and thank God for the gifts God has bestowed on others. I am genuinely blessed by the gifts of others. Instead of unhealthy comparisons, I choose to celebrate the blessing I receive through the abilities of others. I do not need to be musically talented to be blessed by beautiful music.

This approach changes the dynamic and pushes the demonic voice off my shoulder and makes room for the joyous affirmation of God’s beneficence.

It is helpful to build relationships with persons who can affirm our worth in ways that we can believe and internalize. We want to include in our circle of friends persons whose opinions we trust. These are people who can speak to us candidly of our strengths and weaknesses. These are the voices we trust to lovingly encourage and challenge. This is often the voice of the Almighty speaking in human language.

One Voice

Two very different characters speak into my psyche. One tells me I am of little or no value. The other affirms my worth as a child of God. For reasons all too human, I lean toward the demonic. Yet there is only one voice that counts. At the end of my human days, I want to hear that voice affirm, ‘Well done, good and trustworthy servant; . . . enter into the joy of your master.’ (Matthew 25:21; Luke 9:17).

In the cacophony of voices that clamor for my attention and demand that I listen and obey, this is the only voice that counts. This is the voice that speaks to our individual self-worth.

My hope in sharing this post is that you will feel affirmed as the beloved daughter or son of God. The voices that scream for our attention need to be quieted by the voice of our heavenly parent, “You are my daughter. You are my son. You make me so very happy”.